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|Tuesday, August 8th, 2006|
Witty Wednesday.. a day early..
what your "dog in a bag" thinks..
I fucking hate you. I mean it, I feel ridiculous. Get it off.
Lady, just because your boyfriend doesnt want to settle down, doesnt mean you should pretend that Im a real baby in hopes that hell play along in your twisted game of house. I promise youre scaring him off, and it makes you look insane. Think about it, you dress me like a Gap employee and tote me around like a damned fashion accessory. Its disgusting, and you need to get your shit straight. Meantime, you can stop force-feeding me Altoids, you bitch.
While Im on the record, there are some other things I could do without, you psycho. Yeah, as it turns out, I dont really care for the ylang-ylang oil massage. Its not relaxing, it actually hurts and generally creeps me out. In fact, its damn close to rape.
Oh, this just in, Im not actually a fucking vegetarian. Do you honestly think that I prefer couscous and tofu over my lamb and beef nuggets?Lettuce wraps? Are you fucking serious what is your damage? I would rather eat my own shit, and guess what, when youre asleep, I do. Then I lick your whore face and laugh about it.
Dont even get me started on my name. Louis Vuitton? You superficial bitch. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? Im already wearing the gayest sweater since the "Cosby Show", but you insist on naming me after an expensive line of European handbags. Seriously, fuck you. You make me look like a complete pussy and I hate you for it. For real, the next time you try to gel my hair, I will tear a hole in your windpipe. I swear to God I will.
Not that youd ever fucking notice, but you continue to place me in dangerous situations. Just yesterday at the dog park, I could feel the cold hard stare from a Doberman through my Kenneth Cole double-breasted pea coat. Shit, even the French poodle called me a fag, and he was wearing a beret.
Do you have any idea what would happen to a dog like me at the pound? You dont even WANT to know. I step in there with even a whiff of CK One on me, and its all over.
It pisses me off that you dont pull this shit on the cat (Although its probably because shes a lesbo). I am really tired of the smug looks I get from that butch-ass feline. Just once Id like to see you put an ascot around her neck and let her feel what this shit is like. Then shell realize its not funny, and Im in real pain here. At the very least you could throw a flannel shirt on that dyke and even it up here, you owe it to me. I promise I will end all nine of her lives if I ever get a chance to chase her without these miniature Steve Madden patent leather urban utility boots strapped on my paws. Not that Id get far; even without the shoes I still have to battle these Italian micro suede chinos.
Listen lady, Im at the end of my rope and Ive been doing a lot of thinking (Yes, theres a lot of time for that while you watch E!, thumb through your copy of People magazine, stopping occasionally to read the text message on your jewel-encrusted Sidekick). I have decided that Im running away. Im going to take my chances on the outside. Tomorrow morning, during doggy yoga, I am fucking gone, baby and there is nothing you can do to stop me.
The last thing youll see is my puckered little asshole as Im out the door, but not before I leave a hot, soft and juicy turd pile right on my miniature doggy yoga mat and Ive got a half a pound of espresso beans and 3 bran muffins for breakfast to make sure its a good one.
See you in hell, bitch. Current Mood: amused
|Thursday, June 15th, 2006|
Food for Thought Thursday
Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.
Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg; Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."
Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big one.
|Tuesday, June 13th, 2006|
New musical group!
Well, it's actually a project that's been brewing for a good 13 years or so. It just took me forever to get my shit together and start making things happen. But I just wanted to let all of you know about the Open Experience. We're a somewhat experimental "progressive" rock band... I think. We are currently working on an album to be released Spring 2007. I've been trying to generate a little interest in the project ahead of time, and so far, we have a number of people who have joined the e-list. We have a group of great musicians involved in this project, and it promises to be a very unique and exciting experience.
The new Open Experience newsletter is out. If you are not already on the mailing list, you can join the e-list at www.theopenexperience.com
The newsletter keeps interested participants updated on the current progress of the band. If you have already received a newsletter link in your email inbox, then you're already on the list. If you haven't, that means either you're not on the list, or we don't have your current email address.
Don't miss out on exclusive updates, mp3 demos, and more! The FIRST 300 people who subscribe to the e-list will receive a complimentary copy of our debut album when released Spring 2007.
JOIN THE OPEN EXPERIENCE E-LIST TODAY!www.theopenexperience.com
You can also find us on MySpace at www.myspace.com/theopenexperience
|Thursday, June 1st, 2006|
Food for Thought Thursday
Here's a really terrible one for ya:
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
|Wednesday, May 31st, 2006|
College Drinking VS High School Drinking
High School: Start by 7 p.m., Stop by 10 p.m., Sober by 11:30 p.m., Home by 12 p.m., No Hangover Next Morning
College: Start by 5 p.m., Stop by 5 a.m., Never Sober Up, Never Make it Home, Hungover Until 5 p.m. Next Afternoon
High School: Zimas and Wine Coolers
College: Beer and Cheap Beer
High School: Drunk after 2 beers
College: Still going after 20 beers
High School Party Attire: New shirt, new black pants, heels
College Party Attire: Tshirt/sweatshirt, jeans/sweats, flip flops/tennis shoes
High School: Go out 1-2 times a week
College: Go out 7-8 times a week
High School: Party in a field or a house where parents are out of town
College: Party in a dorm, fraternity house, or house where the owner is the drunkest person there
High School: No keg
College: Keg stand
High School: Pretend to be drunk in order to fit in with the rest of the party
College: Pretend to be sober so that when you trip and fall/say something stupid/slur your words/dance like an idiot, you won't be known as "The Drunkass"
High School: Rarely go out on school nights.
College: Always go out on school nights, especially when you have a test the next day
High School: Drink to the sound of the car stereo or tiny boombox
College: Drink to the sound of a DJ or live band
High School: Throwing up is completely unexceptable
College: The more you barf, the cooler you are, especially if you can master the Puke & Rally
High School: 5 shots and the night is over
College: 5 shots at the pre-party and the night has just begun
High School: Stroll into the party carrying a beer
College: Stroll into the party carrying a 30 pack
High School, day after party: Jump out of bed, declare "I feel great!" and smile as you remember the night before
College, day after party: Groan and roll over to check out whose lying next to you, declare "I think I'm still drunk," and pass back out after unsuccessfully trying to remember the night before
High School: "Let's play a drinking game! I have cards!!!"
College: "Let's play a drinking game! It's called '1...2...3...CHUG'"
High School: Pingpong
High School: "Shit! It's 2:00 a.m. and I just got home...waaaaaaay past curfew."
College: "Shit! It's 2:00 a.m. and I just ran out of beer...and all beer stores are now closed."
High School: Save allowance/lunch money to pay for alcohol
College: Sell back books/donate plasma/sell belongings on Ebay to pay for alcohol
High School: Get up early before school to make sure you look your best to try to stay cool.
College: Roll out of bed, put on the same pants as yesterday, then go to class cuz you don't give a fuck
|Friday, May 26th, 2006|
1. If you had the opportunity to be different, what would you change?
2. What is your biggest wish?
3. My mantra is "need more coffee".. what is yours?
4. If you could have an unlimited supply of something, what would it be?
5. If you could ask an All-Knowing Being one question about life, what would it be?
|Wednesday, May 24th, 2006|
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole ..1. "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole ..2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works...
|Wednesday, May 10th, 2006|
I was curious to see where all the group members are from. You should be able to click on the link and place yourself on the map (you may have to scroll down to add your info).
Let's see if this works.
Track Your Visitors on a Map!
|Thursday, May 4th, 2006|
I don't have a thought for today. But since I missed the Witty Wednesday post, I'll post a funny now.
The 7 kinds of sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
|Sunday, April 30th, 2006|
|Friday, April 28th, 2006|
The Friday 5 rides again!
1. If you lived in the far north, which would be most challenging for you - endless nighttime or constant daylight?
2. If you were to receive a living gift what would you want?
3. Have you ever hitchhiked? If yes, have you ever done it nekkid? ;)
4. How do you spell relief?
5. And.. it's the weekend.. time to party it up. What is your favourite alcoholic beverage?
|Thursday, April 27th, 2006|
A word to the ignorant:
A white woman, about 51 years old, was seated next to a black man on an airplane. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess.
"Madam, what is the matter?" the hostess asked.
"You obviously do not see it, " she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please, " the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
The hostess went away and came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seating in the business class. However, we do have one place in the first class."
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued, "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."
The hostess turned to the black man and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class." At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.
|Tuesday, April 25th, 2006|
New musical group
I want to tell all of you about my new musical project. The group is called the Open Experience
, and the style is rock...
...some form of rock. Progressive, post-modern, experimental.
We have a MySpace.com site here
The url is www.myspace.com/theopenexperience
Influences include: Peter Gabriel, Marillion, Spock's Beard, Porcupine Tree, The Flower Kings, Fleetwood Mac, Genesis, Yes, Rush, Jadis, Simple Minds, Bruce Hornsby, Tears For Fears, Thomas Dolby, Duran Duran, King Crimson, Billy Joel, The Cure, David Bowie, Copeland, Transatlantic, The Police, Kevin Gilbert, Radiohead, Coldplay, Stone Temple Pilots, The Beatles, Adrian Belew, IQ, Mae, Steely Dan, Death Cab for Cutie and so much more!
|Saturday, April 22nd, 2006|
I just think the idea of this is amusing, and don't care if you sign the petition or not.. I didn't.
From my friend Matt:http://www.petitiononline.com/mod_perl/petition-sign.cgi?future2
It is a petition to Nike to make the shoes Marty McFly wore in Back To The Future II available to the public. This is important stuff people, and if you want to go about your life without being able to buy those shoes that is up to you but it makes you both a Satanist and a Communist. It's your life, but live it right.
|Sunday, April 16th, 2006|
|Wednesday, April 5th, 2006|
From the Simpsons
Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores.. clean the garage, paint the house..
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.
|Sunday, April 2nd, 2006|
I got this idea from a bulletin on MySpace.
Let others enjoy your city by posting a pic of it.
Here's one from Tacoma, Wa (before construction began on the icky second bridge):
|Saturday, April 1st, 2006|
A day late.. April Fools Edition
The Friday Five!!
1. Have you ever played a practical joke on someone?
2. Did you trick anyone today?
3. What's the meanest thing you've ever done to anyone on April Fools Day?
4. What's the meanest trick someone has played on you?
5. What's a trick you'd like to play on someone, but don't think you could ever pull off?
|Thursday, March 30th, 2006|
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
|Wednesday, March 29th, 2006|
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his garden but it was very hard work as he was old and the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
For heaven's sake, what ever you do, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES.
At 4:00 the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the garden now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.